How To Kill a Person: The Safest Way Possible

I wrote this when I was still studying in ICC La Salle H.S.. My English teacher (Ms. Yack) asked us to write a prOcess analysis essay (The kind that tells the audience how something is done ) and present it to the class the next day. Well, I thought it would be boring to discuss in front of the class how omelette’s are done so I decided to deviate my thoughts from those common and expected topics into something new and bizarre. With the help of my groupmates (especially Atria , the nanay of 4b, who contributed the incredible yet undeniably gruesome idea of stabbing and twisting.hehe) I came up with the paragraph about hOw to kill a person and you can imagine my teacher’s reaction when we presented it in cLass the following day. Considering that ours is a Catholic school, she probably freaked out to know that I even think about those stuff. Some of my classmates didn’t even believe that I wrote it; some asked if I got it from the web. Well, I didn’t,okay? Now that I published it, you can find it in the web.

Zim_Kad_Colored_Version_by_Candys_Killer“How to KiLL a perSon”
written by: Casinillo, Rhia Marie B.-4B st.Br.Miguel

We all know that killing someone, even the ugliest toad, is never easy (”not to mention bad”, interrupts Ms. Yack). So we devised a specialized method to make taking lives easier for you.

The very first thing you should put in mind when you’re planning to slay someone is it is necessary to gain his trust. Befriend your target and work hard to gain his trust. Know his strengths and weaknesses. After doing this in the shortest span of time possible, the second important step is to check his schedules. Remember, it is important to know his whereabouts because it will help you in planning your next moves. Third, choose the appropriate tool for the special event. Choose something that is simple yet fatal. Word from the wise: buy something cheap. You’ll dispose it after the deed anyway…

Fourth, buy gadgets and clothings that’ll help you avoid risks of getting caught. When it comes to these matters, a pair of gloves is a must-have. Those guys weren’t called detectives for nothing, you know. They can use your fingerprints against you. Also, don’t forget to buy a hairnet and use it during the event to avoid falling hairs. In case you still are clueless, a strand of your hair has a genetic thing in it that can also be used to identify you as the culprit. Don’t forget to buy a sweater to protect yourself from your victim’s scratches in case he struggles which is very likely to happen.

Finally, choose a perfect place and time to strike. make sure no one is around. Check the corners in case someone’s lurking behind a post or a trash can. if you’re in a room,check the ceilingfor hidden cameras or any recorders. Now, if the coast is clear, strike and waste no time! A helpful tip if you’re using a knife: stab then twist, stab then twist as quick as you can.

After making sure that the victim is dead, get rid of the body and of all the things involved in the deed. Don’t save anything for keepsakes please! Bury everything, including your memories of what happened. Voila! You’re now a murderer! Celebrate for you have accomplised your so-called mission! Follow all these steps and you’ll never set foot in jail…but see you in heLL!

p.s. the illustration above is a courtesy of

No comments:

Post a Comment